Assistant Parent

Very often when I am struggling to reason with one of the children, I give up, and hand over to Ben. He seems to be able to reach them in a way I can’t, particularly with Patrick. Ben is nearly eleven now, but he has always been very mature about these things. It is quicker to get Ben to get Patrick to do whatever it is I need him to do, than to try and persuade him myself. If Patrick is having a meltdown about something, Ben somehow manages to distract him, or reason with him and create calm. Lately the issue is school again. One morning, when the children aren’t ready, Patrick is refusing to cooperate, it is time to leave, and I am starting to lose my cool, Ben pipes up “Mum, do you want me to deal with it?”

“Please do” I say, as I continue readying bikes and scooters and distributing school bags. I stand with the girls at the bottom of the steps, waiting for Ben to work his magic, and the boys to emerge from the house.

No joy, this is taking too long. I race up the steps again all ready to wade in. “We’ve got to go now, come on Patrick!”

“Mum!” says Ben “Don’t come in all shouty and stuff, I’ve got this.”

“Fine,” I say, “You bring him to school. Catch us up,” and I leave with the girls.

A little way up the road, I feel I need to double back and check Ben’s been able to convince Patrick to come and that they are on their way. The girls go on with a neighbour. I see no sign of the boys, but hear their voices as I approach the house. I duck into a neighbour’s driveway and hide. As Ben pointed out, it is better that I stay out of it. I’ll only make it worse, if Patrick sees me, there might be an escalation of tears and tantrums and I’ll be forced to carry him to school.

I watch, as Ben piggy backs Patrick down the steps, (this looks ludicrously dangerous, he seems almost as big as Ben.) I then eavesdrop on his persuasion techniques.

Ben “Shall I race you Patrick? I’ll run and you go on your scooter.”

Patrick (obstinately) “But I just don’t want to go to school”

Ben “If you’re not well, maybe Mummy can bring you home again. Shall I play Minecraft with you after school?”

They set off, Ben talking to him all the while. I shadow them, still out of sight, feeling faintly ridiculous, until a parent spots me and starts a conversation. The boys turn and rumble me. By this time though Patrick’s protest has dissipated somewhat and is now only a low murmuring of discontent. Ben did it, (enough for me to get him into school that day anyway.)

A few days after, Ben let me in on his secret.

“Mum?” he asked on the walk to school one morning “do you want to know how I get the others to do what I want?”

“Yes, how do you?”

“Well you know the carrot and the stick?”

“Yes”

“Well, I have a really big carrot, and NO stick.”