Inner and Outer Voices

Children have no sense of scale when it comes to voicing their objections, or alerting my attention to some catastrophe, and it always is a catastrophe. The noise they make to communicate ‘someone has messed up my room’ or ‘I’ve stubbed my toe’ has no less volume than the scream for ‘someone has taken the toy I was playing with’ or even to a more serious ‘ I have fallen, cracked my head open and I am covered in blood.’ The extreme reaction is the same.

In fact, probably the quieter they are about it, the more likely it is to be bad. I remember Ben falling from high out of a tree and insisting he was ok and could still walk, when in truth he was quite badly hurt. The only noise was cracking branches and ominous thud, though the other children made up for it, by all running up shouting excitedly about what had happened.

In younger children though, there is really no perspective. In houses everywhere there are children making the ‘I’ve lost a limb’ noise over the fact you won’t read them a third bedtime story.

There are of course naturally quieter children and noisier, more dramatic kids, and some more volatile in what causes them to kick off, but generally when they do, you’d be hard pushed to guess whether that child needs serious medical attention or have just lost their teddy.

In order to give the children the idea of tailoring their reactions and volume to the circumstances, we talk about the children having their ‘indoor’ voices and ‘outdoor’ voices.

It is perfectly ok to be at the top of the climbing frame in a park excitedly yelling about your achievements at the top of your voice, though we might object to the sentiment; “I did win, you didn’t winned,” the loudness is not really an issue.

It is quite hilarious watching Rachel, 3, and cousin Charlie, 4, in the park seemingly competing in the loudness stakes, everything they do is accompanied by a noisy theme tune and there is a lot of “I’m King of the Tower – you are the dirty Row-er (?!)  and “I saved the day! – you didn’t save the day” (I have never heard that catchphrase before, that must be that little known superhero Captain Gloater.)

Inside the house it is a different matter, we try to tell them we can hear you if you speak at a normal level, you are not battling the outside elements. Using your indoor voice also applies in the car. We are right here, strapped in, in close proximity, there is no need to shout.

I also have a problem with pitch. I can’t bear squeaky, bordering on whiny, so my low voice request means, both deep and quiet.

I have realised though that my own indoor voice and outdoor voice is the opposite to what I ask of the children. Outdoors, that is in public, out of the house, I am calm, patient and even when furious, generally restrained. Outdoors I use my quiet, firm voice or a fierce whisper to get my message across.

Indoors, in the privacy of my own home, I can yell to my heart’s content.

Apart from having the need to vent my frustrations somehow when the children aren’t listening to me, often the shouting is purely on a practical level. “Dinner’s ready!”, “Come upstairs and clean your teeth!” “Come down here and put your shoes away at once!”

I can’t always be where they are, going to their side and giving instructions in polite, reasonable tones. Although, maybe I should, that is probably how to be an effective parent, to establish attention, (get them to look away from the screen,) ask nicely and stand there until they have moved to do what you have asked. Perhaps that requires less energy in the long run, than shouting across rooms and endlessly repeating my instructions.

It would certainly work to help lessen any confusion over what is an indoor voice and what is an outdoor one. The need to teach by example is never more apparent than when you hear yourself come out of the mouth of your child. Although I was slightly misquoted, Rachel had all the cross facial expressions and ominous tone when she impudently asked me: “How you dare!” about something.

The one lesson which we are good at reminding them of is the old adage: “Do what I say and not what I do!”

Ben said to me, just this evening, as I was insisting he did something,  “you’re not going to use that parent thing are you?”

“What do you mean? I asked, taken aback.

“The ‘grown up’ excuse” he says “’you say, because I am the grown up, you are not’!”

I hear it now. Ner, ner, ner, ner, ner! Captain Gloat.

Can’t think where they get it from? I blame the parents.