I think it was the vicar who said that your youngest child will always be the worst, the one who acts as the ultimate contraceptive, after whom there will be no more. It was years later I remembered his comment and gazing adoringly at my fourth and final, sleeping baby bundle, I couldn’t believe that to be true.
Now I can.
Rachel was a great baby; happy, smiley, a good sleeper, she was very easy and just fitted in. She was really no trouble. As she has got older, and louder, and less supervised, she is a NIGHTMARE! And the worst thing is that she is almost impossible to discipline because she is so funny. She cracks me up and I have to look away so she can’t see me laughing, which is completely ineffective. Is it a deliberate diversionary tactic? Does she think, I know I have just smacked my cousin in the face and should apologise, but look at me. I can stand on one leg “Whoaah, whoaah!” (pretending to overbalance.)See me up here on the chair, I’m swaying now, doing a little dance for you, do you like my jig? I’m pulling a funny face too, look at my eyes roll in my head and dart from side to side (guiltily) in a comedy way. I’m being really cute no? Cue: cheeky, knowing smile. You can’t be cross with me. I’m hilarious.
Even my own Mother, a school teacher once remarked “You know how you see families of children coming up through the school and the first couple are sweet, lovely, well behaved children and the last one is a monster...?......I can see Rachel being like that.”
A lot has to do with having to be heard, and competing with three other children for attention. She definitely gets louder and more opinionated in the holidays. She has an excited, shrill shriek stroke scream which is totally unnecessary, ever, and we are trying to discourage. She dictates what she wants us all to listen to in the car. “ Bang, bang. WANT BANG BANG.” (Chitty, Chitty Bang Bang soundtrack) and specifies the volume “Louder. LOUDER, MUMMMEEE!” but then is so adorable as she sings along, lisping Truly Scrumptious as if butter wouldn’t melt. She also likes to get a laugh by singing aggressively in a gruff, shouty, screechy way as if she is in some heavy metal band.
Much of her ‘naughtiness’ has to do with the lack of supervision and free reign she gets. She is often just trying to copy what she sees me do, washing up, squeezing out flannels or dish cloths, pouring drinks and cereal, stirring and mixing or putting on make up. She just makes a hell of a lot more mess doing it than I do. I’m not sure that I ever empty bookcases and drawers the way she does, and I can’t say I’m guilty of squeezing toothpaste into a drawer, then adding half a cup of water, all over the sanitary products inside so they explode, then shutting it again for someone else to find later...that was entirely her own idea.
One of her worst stages was when she started getting up in the night or early hours of the morning and cause mayhem then. She would come into my bedroom usually with suncream, toothpaste, moisturiser or handwash all over her hands and announce to my sleeping form. “Look Mummy, Look!...MESS, did it Mummy, did it!” I’d find myself then at 4am, washing her off and scrubbing the carpet and cupboards clean of whatever mass spillage she’d created. Sometimes she’d use my distraction with the clean-up operation to go and do something else, like fill her nappy. She’d then throw a fit loud enough to wake the others and refuse to let me change it. Battle would commence, keeping her quiet versus not letting her get her own way.
I would wake up sometimes to the sound of running taps. She did cause a flood once. Does anyone else have to actually permanently turn off the water in all the bedroom sinks, tighten the bathroom taps before they go to bed, and have even locked cupboards and drawers(she uses drawer handles as ladder rungs) turned to face the wall to disable them from a baby? Is any other house as child proofed as ours, to absolutely no avail?
That child can create havoc out of nothing. Even when, in fact, especially when, she is trying to be helpful. Look I can empty my own potty and rinse it out in the bath. I can change my own nappy and empty the contents of that down the toilet too, and I can use three hundred babywipes to make myself nice and clean!
So yes, I’d have to agree this child will be the last
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